


Don't want to leave you.

by WolfDogstar



Series: The Lost Generation-Love,Life and Loss. [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Godfather Sirius Black, M/M, Sad Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:00:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfDogstar/pseuds/WolfDogstar
Summary: Remus has been gone for a week and as Sirius looks after Harry one evening, he feels transformed.When Remus come back home in bad shape, Sirius is there to look after him.





	Don't want to leave you.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything.

August,1981.

"Will you be okay?" James asked as he stood leaning against the door, hands in his pockets. Inspite of his casual appearance he looked tired and worried.

Sirius nodded. He would be fine. He had looked after Harry before; though Remus had been there with him. Now he was alone.

" I can take care of him, James." He whispered not wanting to wake Harry asleep in his cot.

" Look, mate I wouldn't have left you alone at a time like this if...." James began but was cut off by Sirius.

" Lily is sick and you should go with her to the healer. There's nothing wrong with the timing. We are at war. There'll never be a proper time." Sirius said taking a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

" Where's Moony?" James asked.

" Haven't got any bloody idea." Sirius snared but immediately bit his lips when Harry stirred.

" Sorry." He apologized not wanting to prove his incompetence at looking after Harry.

James sighed. " No worries. He'll wake up any moment, slept through the whole afternoon."

Sirius nodded again.

" Padfoot...Sirius listen." James waited to speak till Sirius looked up at him again.

" Yes?"

" We love you...Lily and I..we trust you completely with Harry. We do now and we always will. Okay?"

" Yeah. Okay." Sirius looked down and was taken aback when James walked over hugged him. James held him for a while and Sirius returned it in spite of himself.

" I wish you would talk to me, Sirius. You're not alone. I'm here to help." James said as he pulled away.

Sirius smiled. " I know."

But James saw right through it, the crack in Sirius's facade, the distrust and darkness lingering just behind his eyes. James sighed. Maybe war did that to people. Maybe considering the possibility that your lover could be a traitor did that to people.

"James, you ready?" They heard Lily's voice.

" Right here love." James call out." Be safe Sirius."

" We'll not take long. Maybe two hours." Lily said as Sirius was seeing them out.

" It's all right, Evans." Sirius said out of a habit he was yet to give up.

" Potter now." Lily giggled and James beamed as a tightness gripped Sirius's heart.

" Bye." Lily said.

Sirius closed the door a little too fast and stood there, his forehead rested against the cold wooden door, taking deep breaths to calm his nerves. He needed to control his anxiety otherwise it would eat him up alive.

As Harry slept, Sirius kept himself busy cleaning up things here and there trying to keep thoughts of Remus at bay. Remus had been gone for a week and Sirius didn't know where he was or when he would be back. How did they end up here? They hadn't spoken to each other properly in weeks. Remus avoided order meetings, family gatherings and every other social event that rarely came their way. He didn't even remember the last time they had eaten together on the same table. When Dumbledore had told them about a traitor, everyone had been more devastated than shocked but none of them had thought that it could be one of them. But then Remus had started acting strangely, disappearing for long spells and refusing to tell Sirius where he was going.

Sirius didn't know how long he had been starting out of the window over the sink, water running from the tap, when he heard Harry cry. It snapped him out of his thought and he immediately went over to Harry's cot and picked him up in his arms. Harry was whimpering, eyes shut tight,tears running down his cheeks.  
Sirius rocked him in his arms whispering soothing nothingness into Harry's ears. Why was Harry crying like this in his sleep? Did he have nightmares too?  
Sirius held Harry closer not liking the thought that he would have to feel anything remotely close to what he felt in his nightmares.  
Eventually Harry stopped crying and started breathing evenly. Sirius put him down on his cot but Harry's green eyes went wide and his lips quivered again.

" No..no..okay..." Sirius took him up in his arms again and he look happy. His brilliant green eyes looked at Sirius and he giggled. It was contagious and a grin broke out on Sirius's face as well.

Sirius sat down on the sofa and held Harry close, surprized that Harry wasn't fussy or restless. He just rested his head on Sirius's shoulders and looked over around the house. Sirius felt Harry pushing himself up against his shoulders and once again found himself staring at green questioning eyes.

" Da..da...dada..." Harry said.

" Daddy is out with moomy...." Sirius realized what he had just said- Moomy instead of mummy. Moomy as in Moony. How long had Remus not seen Harry?

Harry seemed to contemplate his daddy's absence with wide eyes and then said," Moony..."

Sirius couldn't swallow the lump in his throat. Harry remembers Moony, Remus. Merlin! Remus you don't deserve this love. You haven't seen him in weeks and he still remembers you. Sirius didn't try to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks. What would Harry understand anyway?

But to Sirius's surprize Harry brought up his small hands and made an attempt to wipe the tears away. Sirius's whole body went tense at the touch but as Harry gurgled and shook his head, left and right, Sirius had a distinct feeling that Harry was asking him not to cry and that made Sirius want to cry more. Harry, small Harry could see and understand his pain but Remus couldn't.

Harry gurgled and took a handful of Sirius hair and started playing, tugging and putting it in his mouth.

" Hey...no..Harry...no..." Sirius got his hair out of Harry's mouth but he immediately began pulling on the threads of Sirius tee shirt.

After Harry became bored with taking out every thread unsuccessfully he huffed and leaned himself against Sirius's shoulder once more.  
It was almost dark outside when Sirius felt the pressing need to get up. He had been sitting in the chair for merlin knows how long. Harry had been patiently awake in his arms observing everything with curious glance.

Sirius carried Harry and went to get himself a glass of water when Harry gurgled and pointed at a packet of biscuits lying around.

" You want to eat?" Sirius asked.  
Harry giggled revealing his half formed teeth as Sirius handed him a small piece.  
Harry nibbled on it and the crumbs fell all over Sirius's hair.

" Hey..." Sirius laughed and tried getting them out of his hair but Harry began enjoying himself and threw more crumbs on him.

" Oh so you wanna play...hun...pup...?" Sirius said and took the biscuit out of Harry's hands.  
" First you eat, the we'll play."

After Harry had finished with the biscuit, Sirius threw him up in the air and caught him again and again. It was Harry's favourite game. He giggled and shrieked madly everytime Sirius threw him up.

What trust! Sirius wondered.

He was so sure Sirius would catch him. When Sirius finally stopped Harry giggled and tried clapping his hands together but then looked very solemnly at Sirius. Sirius looked at Harry and just knew that he was his son too. He would protect Harry no matter what.

"Pafoo.." Harry giggled and grabbed Sirius's nose.

" Yes...that's right...Padfoot here..." Sirius said through his nose making his voice sound ridiculous and Harry shrieked.

" And Padfoot here loves you very much." Sirius kissed Harry's forehead and Harry laughed, Sirius's stubble tickling his soft skin.

Harry brought his lips close to Sirius's face and started kissing, rather just touching his lips to Sirius's skin. Harry kissed him over and over again and Sirius' face was covered with Harry's drool but Sirius hadn't felt such unconditional love in a while and didn't want this to ever stop. He too kissed Harry over and over and Harry doubled over with laughter.

Finally Sirius carried him over to his room and sat down on the ground. Stuffed toys were lying scattered and Harry immediately started playing with a brown monkey that looked rather scary in Sirius's opinion.

Sirius sat with his back against a wall and watched as Harry played with his toys. He wasn't actively engaged anymore and found his thoughts drifting to Remus again.

Was he even alive? The sudden thought made Sirius's blood run cold. He couldn't...didn't want to imagine Remus's lifeless body abandoned somewhere, with no one to look after him. He shook his head vigorously trying to shake away the images.

No. Remus would be fine. He would come back home to their apartment. He would sleep beside him again and Sirius would curl into Remus warm body just like he had since fourth year.

Remus wasn't the traitor. He couldn't be. He loved Harry too, Sirius knew that. He just didn't always show his feelings out in the open. He had seen how Remus's eyes had softened the first time he had layed eyes on Harry. He would never hurt Harry.

Sirius's thought was interrupted when he noticed that Harry's gurgling had stopped. He looked over and saw Harry looking concerned, as only a kid nine months old could, at Sirius.

Sirius tried to smile at Harry but found that he couldn't. They just sat starting at each other for a while before Harry crawled over to him and climbed over his lap.

" pafoo...pafoo..." Harry smiled at him and grasped Sirius's shirt tightly in his small hands.

" pafoo..pafoo..." He kept chanting. It was like a balm on Sirius's soul. This little miracle was so pure, so powerful that it could, at least temporarily, heal his broken soul. Sirius looked at Harry ,mesmerized at the small bundle of joy with green eyes and black hair.

" pafoo" Harry pointed at Sirius's leather jacket. Sirius knew Harry loved that jacket and he could totally justify it. The jacket with it's own enticing smell was so comfortable and warm that Sirius often felt like it was home. It was crazy to feel like that about a jacket, he knew it. But he just loved it. It reminded him of better times, sunny afternoons, winter mornings and rainy nights that he had spent at Hogwarts with that jacket on him, when they were still untouched by war and Voldemort was still a myth.  
Mrs. Potter had gifted him that jacket and that was the reason it reminded him of home. The Potter's house was the first place he had really felt like home.

" pafoo" Harry pouted now. Had been calling Sirius all the while? Sirius hadn't noticed.  
He grabbed the jacket for Harry and placed it on his shoulders. Harry could completely hide under it and enjoyed doing so, sometimes peaking from underneath it and smiling at Sirius.

When Harry yawned, Sirius checked his watch and saw that it was past two hours. Shouldn't James and Lily be back by now?  
He told himself to not panic. They want to see a healer. Nothing unnaturally about being a little late.

Harry yawned again and climbed up on Sirius, trying to make himself comfortable over Sirius's chest.

" Hey...not here...come on..." Sirius carried Harry over to his cot but did want to part with him right now. The warmth in his heart was too precious to let go off so easily. So he lied down on the sofa with Harry over him, half covered with his leather jacket.

Sirius felt Harry breathe and the rising and falling of his chest on his. He found it extremely soothing and before long he drifted off into a deep slumber.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Padfoot, sorry mate we're late. Got held up getting dinner." James shouted as he entered into his house.

There was no answer.

" Padfoot?" James called again.

" Sirius?" Lily called a slight panic rising up her voice.

" You check upstairs, I'll check down here." James whispered.

Both of them went to check with their wands on the ready and Lily eventually found Sirius and Harry sleeping peacefully on the couch in Harry's room. She came down and called out to James not wanting to wake them up.

" James. Found them." James breathed properly again, relieved that everyone was safe.

" Sirius fell asleep with Harry on the couch upstairs."

" I'll wake him up." James said.

" No. James listen..he looks very peaceful. Haven't seen him like that in a while...and Harry is sleeping on him too."

" But I should wake him...I don't know if he wants to go home or not...whether Remus is back or not. I have to ask him...if he wants to stay in it's fine. And he needs to eat too. Merlin know when he has eaten last."

" You really are a mother hen. Remus was right." Lily giggled and James blushed.

"I just..want them to be okay..." James stuttered.

" It's okay. I love you for it." Lily smiled and James beamed.

" I'll go and check on Sirius." He said and went up the stairs.

" Sirius...wake up...Sirius." James called and Sirius opened his eyes and looked around a little confused.

" What time is it?" Sirius asked.

" It's eight in the evening." James replied and made to take Harry from Sirius's arms to take him over to his cot when Sirius's hoarse voice distracted him.

" Don't James."

James looked at him confused.

" Let him sleep with me tonight. This is a miracle you've go here. He's so pure...he..I love him so much...I just want to hold him close. Please James."

James's heart broke as he saw tears run down Sirius's eyes.  
What was Sirius going through? Why the bloody hell won't he open up to me? James thought.

" Sure Padfoot. Do you want some dinner? You should eat."

" It's okay. I'm fine."

James sighed.

" Okay then. And Sirius I'm always here for you. Please remember that." James said as he turned off the lights in the bedroom.

" I'll be gone at dawn. Won't burden you in the morning."

" You are not burden Sirius. Please believe that. Good night. Get some sleep." James said and closed the door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Sirius woke up it was still dark but he felt better after having a proper stretch of sleep devoid of nightmares. He lit up the room with his wand and saw how peacefully Harry was still sleeping. He didn't want to let go off Harry every but realty always caught up with him too soon. He carefully carried him over to the next room where James and Lily were asleep.

" James...James.." Sirius whispered.

" Yeah?" James groggily sat up.

" Didn't want to leave Harry alone in his room."

" Oh..okay." James took Harry from Sirius. " Stay the morning Sirius. It's still dark. What time is it?"

" It's okay, James. Go back to sleep. I'll be back later."

Sirius took a walk back home and it was half an hour before he walked into his apartment. He heard water running in the bathroom and knew Remus was back.

" Remus?" He called but received no answer.

He gripped his wand hard. One cannot be too careful.

" Remus?" He opened the bathroom door careful to not make Remus uncomfortable but what he found made his blood run cold. Remus was sitting in the tub,overflowing with water, his head thrown back, not moving.

" Fuck...shit..Remus...Remus wake up..." Sirius was at his side in an instant and tried to pull him out of the bath. He shook Remus by his shoulders.  
" Come on Remus wake up."

Finally Remus's eyes fluttered open and Sirius pulled him out of the tub. Sirius could see Remus was disoriented. He looked around him, eyes wary. Sirius closed the tap and put a big towel over Remus and he flinched at the touch.

" It's okay....shhh..it's okay." Sirius whispered. He spelled the extra water dry and then placed a heating spell on the the towel. Remus was shivering.

" Come on. Let's get you to bed." Sirius helped Remus to the bed and he lied down immediately but remained wide awake.

" Do you want to put something on?" Sirius asked and Remus blushed. Clearly he hadn't noticed that he was stark naked before.

" It's okay....I'll..." Sirius pulled out a pyjama from the closet and handed it over to Remus.

" I'll be back..after..you..." Sirius left the room but when he came back, Remus was still naked, sitting on the bed with the pyjama in his hand.

" Remus...?"

" I don't have the energy to get up and put this on." Remus whispered.

" Its okay...I'll.." Sirius helped Remus up and slipped the clothing on him. Remus sat down heavily on the bed, breathing deeply, the simple act of getting up proved to be too much for him.

" What happened?" Sirius asked. " Where are you hurt?" He looked up and down Remus's bare body.

" I was attacked by a group of death eaters..I was horribly out numbered and they left me in an alley. Regulus.... came back and healed me up..."

Sirius was taken aback. They seldom talked about his brother.

" He hurt you?" Sirius asked through gritted teeth.

" Sirius, he saved me too."

Sirius took a while to contemplate that and nodded.

" You're safe now." He whispered." That's all that matters."

" I love you, Sirius." Remus whispered and though it took him tremendous effort, he got up and hugged Sirius.

Sirius hugged him back, breathed him in and thanked Regulus for saving Remus's life.

" Where did you get that?" Sirius asked, pointing at a small, stuffed ,grey owl that sat on the bedside table.

Remus smiled fondly. " Picked it up for Harry two days ago. It's a miracle it's still intact. We can go meet them later today."

Sirius watched Remus very carefully, trying to pick up any hint at any anomaly in Remus behaviour. He found none. Everything couldn't be an act. Remus wouldn't ever betray them so cruelly. He loved Harry. And though there were things to be discussed, for now, Sirius knew Remus loved him and that was enough.

" Sure. We'll go later. Rest now...Remus." Sirius lied down next to him combing his fingers through Remus hair.  
" I love you too." He whispered and Remus fell asleep with a smile on his face.


End file.
